Tips for Handling the Terrible Twos

Our Little One is not quite Two yet, but that hasn't stopped her from showing off her mad tantrum skills. I know we have many more months (years?!) of this ahead of us, but here are a few ideas I've read about/learned from friends that I'm implementing that have really worked well so far:

• Avoid the triggers.  Think about how you feel when you're tired, bored, or hungry and multiply that times ten because you can't express it and have no control over fixing it.  Now you understand how a toddler feels!  To help combat most tantrums, keep your child on a regular meal and nap schedule as often as possible and plan your other activities and outings around it.  If an interruption can't be avoided, just don't expect too much from them and try to show extra patience and grace.  

• Plan ahead.  Bring several books or toys to restaurants and other places to keep them busy while you wait.  Make a shopping list and gather coupons beforehand to save time in the store.  Bring some extra books or children's CDs in the car if there is a chance you may run into bad traffic.  If you're potty training, think through where and when you're going to offer breaks and be sure to pack a change of clothes just in case.  I call this pessimistic planning/optimistic thinking: thinking about the worst case scenario just long enough to make a plan for it, then praying for the best possible outcome!    

• Listen.  It seems like most of the time, the whining and frustration is stemming from communication difficulties.  Either she can't express herself or I'm not getting it or both.  So, if I can, I stop what I'm doing, get down on her level, make eye contact and ask her to tell me in her big girl voice.  

          This also works wonders if she's being disobedient.  I call it the "Michelle Duggar  
          Approach".  I get down beside her, touch her arm gently, ask her to look at me, and  
          repeat my request firmly.  99% of the time it gets the job done.  

• Let them decide.  How would you like it if you were told what to do, where to go, what to say, what's off limits, etc. all day every day?  Yeah, me neither.  Sure, I'm the Mom and I get the final say, but it helps to teach independence and decision making skills if you offer your toddler a few choices when you can.  Just keep them minor, avoid open-ended questions, and limit it to two or three options.  Banana or strawberries for snack?  Yellow or green shirt today?  Pink or purple cup for drink?  Swing or slide first at park? etc.  Sometimes all they need is a say in the matter to ward off the tantrums.

•  Warn them before activity changes.  I read about this somewhere and I think it has made a huge difference for us.  Let's say you're doing your favorite activity...and for example's sake, we'll pretend it's swinging.  You're flying through the air, almost touching the clouds with your feet, wind blowing through your hair.  You're having the time of your life.  Then your Dad snatches you up and hauls you back in the car to strap you in the car seat and drag you home for a stupid nap.  Yeah, I'd be sad and angry too.  But maybe if you'd had a little warning, it would help you adjust.  So, as often as we can, we say "Just a few more minutes of swinging/playing/bath time and then we have to go/clean up/get out."  Sometimes we do a five minute and then a one minute warning or an "only one more time" warning.  And we stick with it so she begins to understand the concept of those times. 

• Pour on the praise.  This seems like a no-brainer, but if you make a big deal out of good behavior, it reinforces it.  Set a goal to praise ten times more than you admonish.  That's difficult when you feel like you're saying "no-no" all day long, but it's a good number to strive for.  

• Reward the good.  This goes hand-in-hand with praising them.  Think of easy, free ways to occasionally reward your child's good behavior.  When we go to the grocery store, for instance, I tell my daughter on the way in that if she's good and doesn't whine or cry, we'll stop by and smell the flowers on the way out.  At WalMart, we go check out the fish.  I have to gently remind her once or twice, but it usually does the trick.  It's easy, free, it's immediate reinforcement, and she absolutely loves it.  Remember, you don't have to think the rewards are cool...they do!  Also, be very careful setting precedent.  We don't buy toys or candy for good behavior in the store because I don't want her to develop that expectation.  We also don't reward her with something every single time she behaves.  She has to learn to do so because it's what we expect, not because she'll get something out of it.

• Try to say "no" less often.  I know, I know.  Quit laughing.  This seems like an impossible one, right?  But truthfully, if everything is a "no" and off limits, "no" loses it's power very quickly.  Do I want my Little One to drag out every piece of Tupperware I own and be underfoot while I'm trying to get dinner on the table?  Not really.  But she's keeping herself busy and she's not hurting anything or anyone.  Do I want to play Little People house for the one millionth time today?  Nope.  But she does and I can take ten minutes to join her in between my to-do list tasks.  That way, when I do tell her no, she knows I mean it and is more likely to comply.  Also, if I do have to put my foot down about something she wants to do, I try to use my Dad's philosophy and help find a decent alternative.  ("No, we don't throw toy cars.  But we can throw your ball.  Let's go find it." or "No, we can't play outside because it's raining, but we can go blow bubbles in the garage.") 

• Work Together.  Instead of towering over your child like a dictator and demanding that he clean up his toys in a stern voice, jump in and work as a team.  Tell him you'll get the books while he gets the cars, etc.  Make it a race to see who can finish first and then give lots of praise and hugs when the task is complete.   

Of course, sometimes there is nothing that can be done and no logic that can be offered (at least none that they can comprehend.)  Sometimes they are just determined to throw a good old fashioned hissy fit.  I can certainly relate to wanting to do that occasionally, can't you?  So let 'em.  Just try to avoid it happening in public and subjecting everyone else to it.  Take them to the car until they cool down.  Sure, it's inconvenient, but so much of good parenting is.  

If you're at home and you've offered every possible answer and option, go about your business until they stop which usually happens very quickly once they see you're not going to be swayed.  Above all, keep your cool and remember that it's only a stage.  It'll pass.  Then you'll have a good few years before the preteen attitude kicks in.  

I'm always looking for new and creative parenting ideas, so feel free to share what's working for you!